Hello? Is anyone there...

Wow...it's been a while.  4 years, two months, and 19 days to be exact.  I'm not sure where to start....  It took me a while to even remember how to create a new post.  But here I am, typing this and wondering if anyone will even see it?  Does anyone keep a blog anymore?  Does anyone who used to follow this still come looking every now and again for a new post?  I have to think no.  It seemed like such an important thing to do for me and my peers back when blogs first became a thing.   A way to be heard and to share your journey with others.  Then life came along and the kids got older, and it didn't feel right telling funny stories about them for everyone to hear.  So we all kind of stopped...at least the ones in my general circle did.  But here I am...giving it another go. 

I realized immediately that if I'm going to use this as a way to share more with "the world", some things will have to change.  Like the cute little banner image at the top.  I was so proud of that when I figured out how to make it.  It was so cute, and so were we.  The perfect, all American family.  Yep, that banner needs to be updated... I'll get to it eventually I'm sure.  Just like all the other pictures in the house that have slowly been replaced.  I suppose I can still call it "The Powell Family Blog", though even the meaning of that has changed.

So what happened between my last post 4 years, two months, and 19 days ago?  Gosh, a lot.  There were birthdays and first days of school and trips to the pumpkin patch and vacations and happiness and laughter.  But there was a lot of sadness and heartache in there too.  Not the kind of stuff you share on a blog.  Why not?

Ben and I were officially divorced sometime in mid-January 2018.  I really don't remember the exact day.  Isn't it funny how I'll never forget the date of my wedding (August 10, 2002), but it hasn't even been a year and I've already forgotten the day of my divorce?  What I do remember about that day is that Isla, our dog (who we got sometime after the last post, so you may not even know her?), pooped all over the carpet that day, and I found it sometime that evening.  I laughed and then cried thinking about how I spent the evening of the last day of my marriage cleaning up dog poop off the floor. 

The real beginning of the end, however, was early February 2017.  So although on paper and according to the courts, we were still married until mid-January 2018, in my mind, "we" had already been almost a year gone by the time the judge signed the papers.  Through all that time, I really haven't taken any time to write or journal.  I spent a few sessions with a counselor, and that was helpful, but she told me she didn't think I needed her any more - I'm a counseling graduate!  But there are times still where I think I need to call her...but I don't.  There are times when I still want to scream...but I don't.  There are times when I still want to cry...that I do, but only when no one is looking. 

No one really talks about how hard divorce is.  It's like having a miscarriage....  Aren't humans funny?  We are so quick to share the funny and the good and the happy.  But in the times when we need other humans the most - when our world is crumbling apart and our hearts are completely broken - we close up, act like it's all good, smile and tell everyone "it's fine, we're okay."  Luckily for me, I had (have) an amazing support system.   I could lean on my parents and my sister, and my mother-in-law and some dear and very close friends, especially in the first few months when my world was black and I was literally just surviving.  But what about the people that don't have that?  And what about the times when, a year and a half later, you are still finding yourself hurt and broken, but the story is old now and everyone has moved on and doesn't really want to hear it?  Hence, this blog post.

Really, though, I'm fine.  I'm through the worst of it.  The dust left behind from my old life - my marriage - is starting to settle, and my new life is slowly starting to come into focus, though  I still don't really know what it looks like.  My dreams are still generally the same - to share moments with my children that leave us with happy memories that we shared together...to travel and see the world...  But all the details are fuzzy.  I remind myself that perhaps in my head the details were in sharp focus 2 years ago, but in reality, no future plans are ever guaranteed.  So it's okay.   There are just reminders, still very often, about how much everything has changed, and how we all (the kids and I) will have to accept this as part of our story forever.  I have so much to say to my kids...but I suppose that will be another blog post or two (or 100).  Mainly I just want them to know how much I love them.  No matter what is thrown at them in this world, they will ALWAYS have me.

Some days I want to start writing a book.... but then I think, nah.  Sadly, my story has been told over and over many times before.  Just different settings, different characters.  Maybe one day I'll sit down and do it and find a way to make it compelling enough for people to read.  For now I think just writing (in a space where probably no one is listening) may help. 

Okay, I think I'll stop.  I feel like I'm rambling and that this post has no general theme.  I guess it is just to say, I'm still here but the world around me is very different.  It was hard and will be hard, but I am hopeful that there is a lot of good left for us all to share.  Here's to the future!

XOXO,
Francie